After the loss of a loved one the pain is unreal, me and my husband broke up in November of 2019 and I felt like my world had ended, he stayed with us til the January of 2020, we had Christmas together and new years but it wasn't right. We loved eachother but too much had happened between us that it just couldn't work.

April of 2020 just before lockdown I met someone..Damo, I was expecting a fling, or friends with benefits at the least and I got way more than I bargained for. Happy to say the least I wasn't in it 100% and shortly after it ended. In the June I moved into a new place, a fresh start for me and my kids but I never quite got over not being with my husband, we slept together often, even with him sleeping about too he was my invisible tether and I was drawn to him.

In the October of 2020 the guy I met was back on the scene, not that he ever left as we were friends but we were more romantically involved, we spent my birthday together then Christmas and New year but again shortly after it was over because I was drawn back to my husband.

2021 came and I asked my husband for another baby, he agreed and we started trying, soon after (May) I fell pregnant with my third child. There was a lot of controversy that year about who's baby it was, although I knew deep down it was my husband's and all the scans looked exactly like him. We had Christmas just me and the kids that year and boxing day with my husband and his other two children. The day after we all found out we had COVID and I was booked into hospital to be induced 4 days after I was due. On the 30th December Felicity was born and although I couldn't have my husband with me because we had COVID I had support from my mum.

2022 soon came and we had a weird year, lots of arguing and difficult times came but still lots of being drawn to each other, we spent Christmas together that year and had a beautiful family Christmas together. We had Felicity's first birthday and then new years eve. And although we still argued we told eachother how we felt and that was it.

January 2023 came with the shittiest entrance ever, Felicity was in hospital for an accident a few days later I was at A&E for a headphone bud stuck in my ear and then a few days later my husband got rushed in for a heart attack, I got a call that night to come to the hospital because he might not make it. My heart was in full panic mode. I arrived at 11.10 and they put me in a room with a few chairs, I knew that this was it, he wasn't coming back, then I was told he had died at 11.02. My whole world came crumbling down and thankfully I had my mum there with me cause I just broke.

I saw him on the ER table and although he still felt a bit warm I knew he had gone. The next few weeks/months were a big blur, I was hurting, I had to tell his family, my kids, his kids, plan a funeral and a wake and sort out his flat. Everything set me off and hurt like hell, I'd find myself talking to him because we spoke all the time before and it just killed me, I was so low and then someone came to save me.

Damo was always there in the background, he knew what had happened and obviously gave me time but also was there when I needed him, he didn't mind the crying or the silent cuddles and has always been so good with my babies. The pain was still there but he made it bearable and got me out of that hole I was getting myself into. Soon after we decided that we wanted to try again, it was soon but felt right. He didn't take advantage or expect anything more and the love he gives me is just beautiful and I'm so thankful for that.

Last night we watched a show on TV, one of the characters mum was dying in hospital and when she got there they were lead to a room with sofas and a box of tissues. The raw emotion I got from this scene was immense, it was dark and upsetting for me, reminding me that I lost him and he's gone. Reminding me of that moment I knew in my heart that he was taken from me and our babies. 

Thankfully in that moment I had my safety person, that just held me in that moment validated my emotion and knew that I just needed silence and to be held. And although it's probably weird as hell for him and abit shit, he knew deep down how I felt and accepted that it's just a part of me now.

Grief is shit, there's no other way of describing it, it's raw pain and emotion and happy memories and a reminder that they were here and a huge part of our lives. 

But I'm glad, I've found my person, someone who maybe doesn't get it but is present regardless. And for that I am thankful.