Photo by Odonata Wellnesscenter

Abuse doesn’t always come in the way people imagine. It’s not just about shouting or violence, there might not be any of that at all and yet you can still suffer greatly. It can be someone making small comments that wear you down. Someone deciding who you see, where you go, how you spend money. Maybe you're constantly trying to avoid arguments or wondering what mood they’ll be in when they walk through the door. If you’ve started acting differently because you’re scared of setting them off, that’s not normal. It doesn’t need to get worse before you ask for help.

Blame doesn’t belong to you

People who abuse others are often good at shifting the blame. It might sound like “you made me do this” or “if you’d just listen for once.” Over time that kind of talk makes you question your own reactions. You start believing it really is your fault. But abuse is a choice. It’s not caused by stress or alcohol or what someone wore or said. You don’t deserve it. That’s true even if they’ve said sorry after or promised to change.

Find someone to talk to, but be smart about how

Telling someone can help you think more clearly, but safety matters first. If you still live with the person, try to avoid leaving any trace. Don’t write anything down or save messages unless you’re sure your phone or account is private. Support services know how to help without putting you at more risk. In the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline runs day and night. You can talk, message or use their site without leaving a trace. Some pharmacies and salons also offer quiet help if you say a codeword like:

Ask for ANI.

What helps if you can’t leave yet

You don’t need to have it all worked out. It might be too soon to go. But having a few things ready can help if things change fast. That might mean keeping spare keys where they can’t be found, or making sure your phone stays charged. If you ever need to call 999 but can’t speak, press 55 when the call connects. It lets them know it’s an emergency.

After you’ve left

Just because you got out doesn’t mean it’s over. That kind of control can mess with your head even after they’re gone. You might feel angry, tired, guilty or nothing at all. None of that makes you weak. You can still ask for help. Local services can support you with housing or money problems. There are also counsellors and support groups if you want to talk to people who understand, contact domestic abuse solicitors too to get the legal side of things in order. 

It’s not only women who go through this

Anyone can be affected by abuse- that includes men and people in same sex or trans relationships.  If that’s your situation, you can still get help. Galop and Men’s Advice Line both offer support that’s tailored to you- you won’t be dismissed or ignored.

*Disclosure* This is a collaborative post.