Hey y'all my name is Kelly I'm a first-time mom ...

Hey y'all

my name is Kelly I'm a first-time mom of the most handsome little boy... maybe I'm a little biased because he's mine.   My son was born at 35 weeks, I was discharged home and had to leave my little bundle of joy at the hospital, due to his jaundice levels being too high. I cried our entire hour drive home. He was discharged 2 days later then his levels spiked again and we were sent home with light therapy. He had to spend every minute that he wasn't eating or needing a diaper change on it. It broke this mama's heart!

By the weekend I wasn't feeling like myself at all. I chucked it up to being sleep deprived and hormones. I remember it hitting me like it was yesterday. I had those nice long fingernail that grew while I was pregnant and I started biting them.  I was a sitting on my couch talking to my mother in law, niece and nephew. They were being rowdy as usual. I was getting overwhelmed I felt it in my chest. I walked away into the kitchen to try and calm down. In ten minutes time, those nails were GONE! I had a few that were bleeding I had bitten them so short. I chalked it up to being sleep deprived and hormones and went on about my life.

I let it go on...

Until my husband noticed, one night I was in the shower and I text him apologizing for not being a super mom, for not having the perfectly clean house, and being able to do it all. That same night I was SO tired but I couldn't sleep. I was convinced my baby was going to stop breathing in the night. I was crying uncontrollably every time my husband would ask why I was crying, I would cry harder. I knew in my head I was being crazy but I couldn't get over the feeling something BAD was going to happen. I called my mom cause like I said I was sure something was going to happen. She stayed the night and I slept.

Guess what? I still didn't feel better.  I continued to let it rock on until I was refusing to leave the house cause I was sure we wouldn't end up in a car wreck. I wouldn't leave the house by myself with the baby. I also didn't want to take him out of the house I was afraid he was going to get sick and end up back in the hospital.  I decided I was being ridiculous and I needed help. I called my OB and they prescribed me some medication, and I had to go in at my 6-week visit.

There will come a time when you think you are better, that you feel great and you don't need your medicine anymore. There will come a time where you feel like you need more medicine than prescribed, it just the day and tomorrow will be better I promise.  The reason I am saying this is I made the mistake of thinking I was better. I quit taking my medication. I did feel fine for about a week. It was Christmas time when I quit taking it and my baby got what I thought was his first cold. I was wrong what I had tried so hard to avoid was becoming a reality, my baby had RSV. I was SO afraid of RSV and I was so careful and he still caught it. We didn't get to go to any of our family Christmas, we were at the hospital on Christmas Day, because he was having problems breathing. Then we were back at the pediatrician's office the day after for wheezing. I had to have my mom come sit with me until my husband got home from work around 11:00PM because I was REALLY afraid he would stop breathing.

The next morning, I started taking those pills again. You see if you think you are better and you don't need them, that's really them working.  I had a really hard time at first with being diagnosed with post-partum depression, I felt like a failure as a mom, like I wasn't cut out for the job I'd been given. I felt like people would judge me for having to take a medication.  I decided to keep it a secret, but then I realized I felt that way because post-partum depression isn't really talked about. You are warned about it and the signs to watch for, my paper I was sent home from the hospital with told me to call the doctor if I had thoughts of self harm or harming my baby. So I bet a lot of moms are sent home with the same paper, that are suffering and not feeling normal. There needs  to be more education on this topic and more support.

I will lend a ear to anyone that needs to talk. I am not a licensed professional but sometimes it just feels nice to talk. Drop a line if you need someone to talk to. I'll reach out to you anytime!

Follow me on Twitter @FTMtruth2018 or read my blog www.firsttimemomtruth.com

mental health